Posted in Inspirational

Grief

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Grief is such a confusing emotion. I grieved for several years, from when mama lost most of her memory and her character changed from being a kind, gracious woman to that of an angry, violent woman. I grieved for the mama I lost, the friend who I could share stories and movies with; I grieved for I could not see my caring mama. I grieved for the lost conversations, the lost moments of laughter and intimacy. I grieved because mama could not see me as the daughter who love and cares for her; to her, I was a prison warden who monitored her every move and regulated her medicines. I grieved for several years.

The day came when she was too weak and her body and spirit wanted to rest. On that day, grief was silent. On the day we laid mama to rest beside papa, I had no tears. My cousins shed the tears that I did not have. They expressed the sorrow in my broken heart. I did not grieve, not when I was expected to, not when I should have.

In the weeks and months that followed, I packed and disposed a lifetime of possessions and memories. Try as I might, I could not be objective about the possessions. Everything seemed trivial and yet it was hard to let go. A dress, a shawl, a hairbrush — all had memories, all bore mama’s print. How does one compress a lifetime into a box? How does one let go without having pangs of guilt? There were no tears, but grief was in the periphery of consciousness, silent and foreboding.

People grieve when they lose someone they love. Very true. I lost mama years before we laid her to rest. I grieved back then. I anguished for the mama I knew was trapped inside a cruel disease. I grieved that her last years on earth was full of anger, confusion and fear. But all is over. It has been almost a year since we laid her to rest. I have not grieved since then. All I know she is at peace and that she is in a better place. Now, there is no reason to grieve.

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Posted in Inspirational

Reflections on the Lord

I.

I will always want.

Want for a bigger house.

Want for a nice car.

Want to travel to far-off places.

Want to achieve greater things.

But only one want is essential.

Want to be content in You, Lord.

II.

I have such lofty dreams that some seem unattainable.

But lofty as they may seem, all these pale in comparison to the dream God has for me.

III.

Shall I get upset with the Lord for not giving me what I have been praying for?  Shall I count the good I’ve done in His name?  Shall I pull-out my score card for Him to remember?

Heaven forbid!  Remove the scales from my eyes that I may see Your ever-present goodness.  Pierce my heart and deflate my pride that has taken root.  Let Your truth shine in the darkest corners of my mind that I may fathom even a fraction of Your great love for me.

IV.

I struggle because I have been yearning for an ordinary life — a life of simplicity  and tranquility.  But not an ordinary life does the Lord give me.   A life of heartbreaks, difficult people, series of struggles and doubt has been my lot.  An extra-ordinary life!  And I wonder why.

Perhaps — perhaps, that I may experience His extra-ordinary peace that encompasses all understanding.  Perhaps, that I may be a channel of His extra-ordinary grace to minister to people.  Perhaps, to gain wisdom. And perhaps, to experience Him lift me up when I grow weary.

Posted in Inspirational

FOREVEMORE

When dark clouds fill my heart

And bleak, gray days are all my eyes could see

When memories of Your tenderness and love fade away

I cry out to You, I cry out to You.

I recall Your promises made to me

And impossible though it seems to be

I embrace all these for dear life

Knowing that You are faithful, faithful and true.

And so I wait until the day

When You brush the clouds away

To reveal the beauty of Your handiwork in my soul

Once more to prove that I am Your beloved forevermore.